hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
