Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
