Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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