I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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