i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
ttyl tear gas
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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