I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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