Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
