tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
