YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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