my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
