It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
