I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
