It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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