Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
