dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
