Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
