____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
