I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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