its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
