Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
