Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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