this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
