Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
