Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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