Do you still have your period?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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