Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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