I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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