apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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