The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
