Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
