why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
