I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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