trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
