he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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