Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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