I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
