I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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