you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
