he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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