I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
