last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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