also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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