apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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