I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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