I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
