My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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