I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
