the condom got lost in my hair
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
