i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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