im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
