the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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