This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
