somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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