his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize