i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
