You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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