I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
