I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
