I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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