Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
