i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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