he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I didn't notice because vodka
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
